Riddle me this:
What do you call chain-smokers who grow weeds and rusted cars on the front lawn, substitute duct tape for glass on windows, and have a vibrant blue glow emanating through all crevices in the “house” because of their massive-A flat screen tv?
Answer: THE NEIGHBORS.
From here on out they shall always be referred to in all caps. I am fairly certain that I have mentioned THE NEIGHBORS before. In fact, I believe I could make a fairly good mini-series/reality show/documentary of them - they are that awesome. It would have a very Lifetime movie feel to it, and I would call it: THE NEIGHBORS: The Trailer Park Next Door: The Real Story of What Happened Over the Hedge.
In the meantime I decided to start dedicating chapters to them, every now and then. This decision came about yesterday, as I was lounging in the backyard in my bathing suit, diet coke in hand, minding my own business in 75 degree weather. I was contemplating doing something useful, but I forgot about it since the sun was shining on my SPF 25ed-up face, and a breeze was wafting the blooming jasmine and orange blossom and I was just so intoxicated with life.
And then.
Bottles clanking around on cement while someone began coughing up a lung. A cloud of smoke began to rise over the blessed cinder-block wall that separates our backyards. I'm pretty sure this possible turrets-laden man began shouting random quotes and sing-songs to no one in particular. Then their mangy mongrels began howling, and I was THIS CLOSE to borrowing my brothers’ air-soft rifle for pest control. Thank goodness their dog whom under the force of court order had its voice box removed is dead. Finally. Its lack of vocal ability made it sound rather like a wounded sea lion when it barked. It was truly grotesque and I could write a whole post just on that nasty mutt alone.
However, I want to congratulate the Dirts, as we’ve Christened them, for completing the Annual Mowing of the Weeds. This event usually only happens in the spring, when their semi-functional son comes to visit. He is the only child thus far that has stayed in school past 10th grade, held down a steady job at Ralphs market, and avoided prison. And despite the fact that he ruined my afternoon of repose by belching the alphabet and then yelling for his woman to pick up his beer bottles, I rather like him.
In the next episode of THE NEIGHBORS: The Day the S.W.A.T. Team Came a'Calling
5 comments:
You and I could swap neighbor stories for days I'm sure. I didn't realize just how interesting our neighbors were until my chain smoking-generally half-drunk next door neighbor (who has kids my age and is older than my parents btw) told me about the neighbor next door to her--who STILL has Christmas decor up--that has apparently been committed to a mental institution (but knowing how "medicine" works, I know she'll be out in a few days, great.). She has signs on her front door that say "NO TRESPASS" (funny in and of itself) which are supposedly because she fears the UPS man is in with Bin Ladin and she thinks he's coming to "drop her a package" to get rid of her. Lovely. Maybe we should just buy our own little city to send all these crazys. Sorry your chain smoker interrupted your afternoon. At least you have a fence separating you from your chain smoker...I don't!:) I like the idea of sending them all away though. Ahh, if I ruled the world...
sweet. we had the swap team at our neighbors a couple weeks ago too. i can't wait to hear your story. you definitely got the story-telling malan gene- and I mean that in a good way :)
You guys are SO patient-the NEIGHBORS have been there as long as you guys have lived there haven't they???? I really think the answer to this is a little MORMON MEMBER MISSIONARY WORK. Send Kyle & Lance over there DAILY and proselyte! Your dad should start having YA FHE service projects to "Beautify" your NEIGHBOR'S yard. Then we could have Cam 2 RS bring in meals once a week, I KNOW Bishop Hales would make an inpact on them. What about having all the Cub Scouts over to pull weeds??? How many Jello Salads has your mom given them??? I'm sure the MISSIONARIES would love to bring over a BoM in English AND Spanish!!! Come on, Tara, WE can do this!
Ooh yes. My sister has had SWAT in her backyard more than once--sneaking up on the neighbors that way.
And then she had neighbor that was arrested for selling fake drugs. This is what happens when you live on the west side in the UT.
I like this new chapter of THE NEIGHBORS. I can't wait to hear more.
And in accordance with Debbie's comment, I hear that the BoM is now coming out in Dirtspeak pretty soon too. Right up THE NEIGHBORS alley.
I can't wait for the next episode of THE NEIGHBORS!! =)
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