Tis a dull, dull world

Sometimes (usually when I run out of Diet Coke and mascara and the air conditioning in my car just STOPS WORKING) the world seems quite tiresome. And since boredom reluctantly loves company, I'll give you a recount of my day in the most droll way possible.


THIS MORNING . . .
I was lying on my bed in my bedroom. The alarm clock rang. I got off my bed and stood up.


15 MINUTES LATER . . .
I poured myself some cereal. I then added some milk. I used a spoon to put the cereal in my mouth.


JOB #1 . . .
I was sitting on a chair facing a wall. After having looked at the wall for some time, I turned my gaze and looked elsewhere.


10 MINUTES LATER . . .
I dropped a pen on the floor. I reached down and picked up said pen. I considered stabbing it into my eye. I decided against it, and turned to look at another wall.


WHILE DRIVING . . .
I sat in my car doing what one does when sitting in the driver seat of one's car. I thought about putting on some music. I thought for a while. I looked at my iPod. I decided not to play any music. I continued to drive.


JOB #2 . . .
I had several pieces of paper on my desk. I moved one to the basket on my other desk. Having done so I looked at the other papers for a while.


15 MINUTES LATER . . .
My head hurt. I took some advil from my drawer and swallowed them with water. My head began to feel better soon thereafter. I resumed my usual activities.



I'm feeling rather dreary and sluggish after having put all this effort into writing.

Here - you can borrow my noose

There are few things in life more boring than listening to someone drone on and on about their health problems.

Wait. I just remembered something more boring. Okay real quick story. Once I went to a bookstore to look through magazines with a friend of mine, and there was this oldish one-legged man sitting at a table next to us. He constantly looked over at what we were reading and would say things like, "I was married to a woman who looked like that actress right there. Except my wife was WAY hotter. Seriously, she was this gorgeous Spanish supermodel. Penelope Cruz looks like a dog compared to her." And my friend would pretend he didn't exist so I felt the need to try to be kind of polite and I would "Hmmm" and "Oh" and nod because - well, he had one leg. Anyway. It got ridiculous. Soon he was talking about his rocket scientist son who was better-looking than Brad Pitt circa A River Runs Through It. THAT was probably the most boring storytelling I've ever been guilted into.

So, meds. People these days just run around telling you about what medications they're on or how many vials of blood the doctor just took or about their erratic sleep patterns which is "killing" them because they're just sooo tired. My mom would probably say that with some people, this obnoxious word vomit is a cry for help and I should smile and nod and sympathize. Huh.

Obviously I'm not my mom. Because when a sob-fest broke out last night amongst a few girls, I was calmly backing away to my car in an attempt to flee the scene of pretentious pain. I failed. One turned to me for my two cents, which was probably unwise.

Her: Life is just really demanding, you know?

Me: (Nod with blank look on my face).

Her: I mean I've started taking some medications recently but I think it made me gain all this weight or maybe that's from not working out and eating more chocolate because I've just been so stressed that I crave those Snickers ice cream bars so I eat like 3 of those while I have Gilmore Girls marathons but then I stay up late and I'm all tired at work and my co-worker is like"Here have some of my Adderral" and I was like "I don't believe in using that stuff" but maybe I'll ask my doctor about that too because I'm so super tired all the time and so super stressed!

Me: Well . . . maybe you should just kill yourself.

Her: (Pause. Blink. Blank look).

Me: I mean, it would pretty much solve all your problems.

Her: (Pause. Blink. Blank look).


And VOILA! I have just found the perfect way to shut people up. I just love discovering new methods of avoiding horribly mind-numbing situations.

Gearing Up for the Red, White and Blue

'Tis a well known fact that the 4th of July is my all time favorite holiday. Not only do I love celebrating Independence and the 2nd Amendment, but there's almost a sure chance that I'll get to see fireworks and eat my body weight in homemade ice cream. And if I'm REALLY lucky I just might get to see a man in Yankee Civil War garb harboring a muzzle-loader rifle.

Nothing will ever top celebrating in Coronado with The Cousins, watching the awesomely non-pc parade where the marines reenact capturing the Taliban, but I'm determined to do something special regardless of my lack of a powdered wig, kegs of ale or a charming sailor. I'll be at church during the day so I think recreating The Boston Tea Party is out of the question because of time constraints. That was Plan A, so I'm having trouble coming up with a Plan B. Obviously I'll be listening to "Party in the USA" by our very own M. Cyrus on repeat, and for sure I'll watch some snippets of John Adams while I drink some Diet Coca Cola and eat some SPAM. Maybe I'll also have a Bake/Yard Sale (BaYard? YaBake? Yard-Bake? Does that sound like I plan on burning my front lawn? Or better yet THE NEIGHBORS lawn? Because that's not a bad idea) to tip my hat to capitalism, if you will.

I am still accepting alternative ideas, should The Spirit of Liberty enlighten your minds with brilliant possibilities.