How to gain world power: Lesson 1

I was mindlessly flipping through TV channels the other day when I came across Monster Quest on the History Channel. I LOVE this show. Do I believe in the supernatural? I’m undecided, but I really like shows that deal with jumbo-sized creatures. Like Bigfoot and Nessie and colossal squid. Well, the narrator of the “Lake Champlain Monster” stated that although they don’t know if there is a monster that lurks in the depths, (they discovered something is giving off echo-location down there!) the federal government has passed a law that states that if Champ, as they lovingly call it, is ever found it will be against the law to harm it. What? A maybe-real creature has it’s own protective legislation? Hmmm…

This got me to thinking - what would I do if ever I was sunning on a remote beach on Lake Champlain and I was suddenly confronted with the monster? Probably wet myself out of fear and excitement. Hopefully have enough wits about me to capture a shot. But what I would REALLY want is to be able to catch it. I would catch it, claim some kind of rights on it, and then take it to Loch Ness to lure out Nessie. And then I would breed them and sell their babies to different countries who desire a monster haunting one of their lakes. Because who doesn’t want one of those. Naturally I get to be choosey about who I would give the monster babies to. If you are on the naughty list then you can forget it.

“Kim-jong, if you don’t get your act together you will never be given a Nessie-Champ.” And then he would cry and mend his ways. “Ahmadinejad stop threatening the Jews. ..Yes I CAN make you. Your options are simple: be nice and get a monster or continue being a jerk and you run the risk of being eaten by one.”

And then we would have world peace. Problem solved.

..And your little dog, too

By nature I am a conflicted person. I always want two diametrically opposite things at the same time. I liken it to wandering down the yellow brick road toward a blurry destination - the Emerald City, if you will. I feel good about it. Productive. But then there are some beautiful hills to roam around just a ways off the path. I start to stray, maybe pick a few flowers, but then look back to the road. There it is, endlessly winding. Leading me towards a better resume and potentially a great career. But there is so much to see off the road! I think I can hear a carousel in the distance. I wander a bit more, enjoying the scenery and having a jolly time, but that darned road is calling my name. I turn around and shake my fist at it in rebellion. I try to run from it, but it's no use. I can still hear the carousel music in the distance, beckoning me, but I turn my back on it and trudge back to the yellow brick road. I hate the site of this stupid road, with it's monotony and pretentious gold shimmer. Plus, I don't really want to get to the Emerald City because it freaks me out. I don't like multi-colored horses and I am scared of midgets.

Get off the road Tara! Run away!

I can't! I can't!

Perhaps I have multiple personalities. Or perhaps it's because I am a straight orange, according to The Color Code. A bizarre blend of Red (Dominate!) and Yellow (Play!). Driven and Power-hungry vs. Fun-loving and Flighty. I wish my mind would just choose one and go with it.

I could give you example after example of how this conflict has screwed my life over. And now I am doing it again. The rumors are true: On a whim I decided to move back to California. It's a means to an end, will get me where I need to go, blah blah blah. Why don't I just up and move to Israel for a few months like I have been wanting to, you ask? Because the d%!& idea of responsibility WON'T LEAVE.

I am chained to "real life" now. I fear the days of freedom are coming to an end. And just for that, I have decided to go on a trip. So up yours, adulthood.

Interview With a Vampire

There is an alarming phenomenon in Provo which has been going on for a while which I recently became aware of. It is a sick obsession with the overly-dramatic Twilight series by Stephanie Meyer. Let me first give a disclaimer: I was tricked into reading them by a friend who knew that I had never heard of them before. And I will confess that they are rather entertaining. But worth all the rave? I mean COME ON fellow University students – read something worthwhile. This Mormon romance novel is beneath your self-proclaimed intelligence.

But as I was thinking about vampires and how weird it would be to suck someone dry, I remembered this freaky movie I watched in my high school German class called Nosferatu: A Symphony of Horror. CREEPY! And what with this cult mania of the Twilight books in Provo, I thought I would sit down with the most infamous vampire of all, Count Orlok (you know him as Dracula) and get his thoughts on what it’s like to be a freak creature.

T: So, you’re a vampire.

CO: ..Obviously.

T: What a drag! But tell me about it.

CO: Well, it definitely has its perks. I mean, I get to latch onto people’s necks and suck their blood.

T: Awesome.

CO: I know!

T: I hear that you sleep in a coffin. What is that like?

CO: Oh, it not so bad. I sometimes am embarrassed because my girlfriends think it’s something only dead corpses do.

T: Are you dead?

CO: Technically I am undead.

T: Whatever!

T: And you have girlfriends? How does that happen?

CO: What is that supposed to mean?

T: Well, I hear that Edward Cullen is pretty sexy, but you are shabby and pasty and old.

CO: It’s because I’m European.

T: Oh right. How do you feel about the main stars of the Twilight books, the Cullens’?

CO: They are suckers. ..No pun intended!

T: Hey that was almost funny for an undead blood drinker.

CO: Have YOU ever drunk blood?

T: Not lately. I am trying to give it up.

CO: Good for you. Hey look! What is that bat doing up there?!

T: What?! Where?!

CO: Ha! I got ya! I could have bitten your neck just then and you wouldn’t be able to do anything about it.

T: You are gross. And it’s a good thing I ate a lot of garlic before I came here.

CO: I like garlic flavored blood.

T: Whatever. Thanks for the interview. You are just as creepy as I expected.

CO: Thank you.

Thank You, Uncle Sam

Dear US Military,

I love you.

You are powerful and awesome. You keep us safe and have noble ideals. I am fascinated by your culture. But I am even more fascinated by the straight-up manliness of your men. I was fortunate enough to attend a Navy SEAL graduation on Friday where I stared shamelessly at the biceps of those in their unbelievably attractive Navy whites. Stared and drooled. Did lots of those guys have blonde bimbos hanging on their sculpted arm? Yes. Did I care? No.

Do you know how long its been since I have been around that much testosterone? I live in Provo, so let's just say that i have been hormonally starving and that ceremony was the feast of my dreams. I would gladly attend any and all graduations of that nature. In fact, I think you should offer me a job in that field. I am willing to do anything, but I would prefer to do something like fittings and measurements. It is after all very important that their uniforms fit right.

I am willing to move to Coronado at the drop of a hat. I am also single, I like guns, watching men do push ups, and I love America. You can pass that on to any SEAL, Ranger or Green Beret. I am an equal opportunity dater... or at least I would be with that sample of masculinity.


I salute you,

Tara

Go ahead and shove your "workaholic" title

I was sitting at my desk yesterday, musing about how awesome it would be if I looked like Heidi Klum, when my friend Sarah comes waltzing in with a tan from her Florida vacation. Envious, naturally, I ask her:

Me: So…? Any sexy Cubans?

Sarah: Um..no. It was a good break though.

Me: Good? That’s it? Come on! You got to party while I sat in my office all day in front of a computer screen with my brain cells dying one by one from boredom.

Sarah: Ya, well. It’s just that after the first two days I got really tired of it.

Me: How is that possible? Are there not pools? And beaches? And shops? And lemonade? And hello – NAPS.

Sarah: No it was really fun, but I tend to go crazy when I’m not busy.

It took me a minute to process that in my mind. And then I realized something. I am GREAT at being lazy. Yes, I do like going to work and I liked going to school. Whatever. But when I get home it is miraculous if you can drag me out again. Just ask Lisha.

For a minute I felt like I should feel guilty. But the guilt never came. In fact, a new sense of pride began to glow within me. I am so good at loafing. Unlike my cousins who vaca’ for a month in Coranado, where they are constantly working-out, walking into town, going on a bike ride, cooking, cleaning, grooming, flirting – I am perfectly content to just lay there by the pool/ocean with a book & iPod, with occasional bouts of getting up for food. Unless the pool boy wants to serve it to me.

I believe that this makes me a great vacation friend. If you ever want to not feel guilty for doing nothing on a beach in the Caribbean all day, call me. Or you want to watch surfers towel change without feeling like a total perv, I’m there. Hey, what are friends for? I’m also a great travel buddy, just in case you were considering it.

I Heart Global Warming

I am now convinced that somehow, without my knowledge, I have been thrust to the seventh circle of Hell. Snow on Graduation day, a fleeting tease of sunshine, and now 120 mph arctic winds from some frozen tundra. How did this happen? And more importantly, why isn’t anyone giving me money for a warm vacation?

Now generally I am not a fan of conspiracy theories. In fact, I love them about as much as I love having a root canal, nausea and buying an over-priced airline ticket all on the same day. But can someone please tell me what happened to global warming? What a scam! I was really planning on having a deliciously exotic tan at this point. You lied to me Al Gore. I want warmth all year long, and what do I get? Snow forecasts in the first freaking week of May. Just for that I will borrow a un-smogged SUV and drive it around pointlessly until I feel like those damaging pollutants have done their job.