"Volure. I thought by now you'd be somewhere the law couldn't reach you. Like Bali...or Utah."

On Monday night I made an extraordinary discovery: I found the Celestial Kingdom of Retirement Centers. I know, it sounds like an oxy moron doesn't it? Well it's NOT. I was so overcome with awe that I didn't even have time to remember how much old people freak me out. Think Sweet Dee in "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" where she finds Charlie's Nazi grandpa but almost passes out from hyperventilating too much because the old people are getting to close to her and you will understand. In fact, the only reason I went to Deterioration Central in the first place was because I was guilted into it, what with the whole family and the ward going to sing carols and spread Christmas cheer and what have you.

This place, and I have no clue what it's called, is HUGE. With pale yellow and sage green walls, fake flowers that aren't chinsy, crown molding, a dining area that looks like a restaurant that I would go to on a date, lovely watercolor paintings on the walls, and truly classy Christmas decorations. And most important of all, it DIDN'T SMELL. How is that even possible? I don't know, it was celestialized probably.

So I now have a plan of what I am going to do with my parents in a few years. I figure that since their eyesight is going and they have to wear reading glasses, they are but a few maladies short of "ashes to ashes and dust to dust" and I'm going to need someplace to put them. I mean, it's better than Shady Pines.