The Tale of the Crisis in the Loo

Today I walked into the ladies restroom and noticed to my chagrin that my favorite stall was taken. I like it because it’s against the wall and no one really uses it, therefore less germs. So I contented myself with the handicapped stall. As I looked down to see the shoes of the woman (let’s be honest – we all do it), in the adjoining stall - MY stall - I noticed something was off.

“Are those…. No. It can’t be.” I thought to myself. But the longer I stared the more I became convinced. They were MENS SHOES. I couldn’t believe it. The bottoms of the jeans covering the HUGE, dirty used-to-be-white shoes were torn and filthy. And we’re not talking those stupid pre-torn Abercrombie jeans. These were something your local over-weight gang member would wear. Then I hear a cough.

A deep, low rumble.

It was no dainty cough. I began to get nervous. There is a man in the stall next to me! What if this foul man hides in waiting in the women’s WC and then attacks them?! He was right next to me! I had to get out of there. I rushed to the sink and washed my hands in 1.5 seconds. I ran (8 steps) back to my desk.

And then I wondered…. What would this perv look like? I HAD to see. So I grabbed my water bottle and went to the water fountain outside the bathroom. As I was filling up, the restroom door slowly opened.

Ah HA! I thought. I will catch this creep on his way out. I quickly tried to think of some smart comment to make to him. Sarcastic: “Enjoy your ladies room experience?” Disgusted: “What the #%*&%$ were you doing in the women’s bathroom sicko?” Or maybe I would give him a REALLY dirty look.

Suddenly a figure appeared out of the doorway. I couldn’t look directly because he might be scary. So I waited for him to get close, and then I stole a glance.

And the He was actually… an It? I couldn’t tell! The clothes were definitely men’s. The body made it undeterminable. The face was round and pudgy without a stitch of make-up. But the scrunchi… What kind of man ties his hair up with a scrunchi? It MUST have been female. A flood of thoughts ran through my mind, some about how badly I felt for this unisex thing, but mostly I thought just how lucky I was to have narrowly escaped death.

Name of the Game - TMI

I have been cornered and tagged by Alyssa, and I know there are “rules” and whatever when you get tagged, but forget that! This is America and I will answer what I want to. Here are the responses I want to give to the questions that weren’t actually asked of me.

I really enjoy: Pro-Semites, 4^th of July, the Would You Rather game, and this movie:

I absolutely love: my new blue Calvin Klein dress and off-white Steve Madden heels, both of which friends gave me for my birthday. I also love cheese and free refills.

Goals: To find a career (boring), finish writing my book, become better at French braiding, leave the country before the year is over.

Guilty pleasure: Chick lit - don’t judge me!, B movies, chewy sour watermelon candy, shows on the Loch Ness monster.

What I’m listening to right now: Two Way Monologue by Sondre Lerche.

Can't Resist: Good-smelling men, Irish/Scottish accents, all things chocolate, wit mixed with some sass.


Drink of choice: Vodka straight up. Or Diet Pepsi.

What makes me angry: Wind, communism, when my roommates eat my food.

Dream job: Work in an American embassy in Greece or the British parliament where they give me lots of time off to travel.

Day dream about: Being a stow away on a ship, having a secret forbidden love affair, what I would say if I were captured by Islamo-Nazi terrorists and had to speak in their video before they executed me, being like Peter Pan where I never have to grow up and get married and have kids.

What I wish I could do more often: Shoot guns, have BBQs and eat ice cream cones outside.

What I will do today: Go home and make that microwaveable (?? But really) chocolate “gourmet” fudge mix that they gave me at work attached to a thank you card.

Tribute to Me

To see a great blog post by Mike dedicated to myself, go to http://theyreinvisible.blogspot.com/. Thank you Michael!

Workers of the World Unite!

I realized that there is a void in my life. I am 24 (tomorrow), I am almost a college grad, and even though I don’t have a career I do have a job. I really want for nothing in my life. But something has been missing… A nom de guerre! I do not have one. More worrisome yet is that I haven’t needed one. I am obviously doing something wrong in my life. I am trying to decide if I need to choose the name or start the revolution first. I have been told that I should start a revolution, and since I have nothing else going on I might as well. If you are interested in overthrow, let me know and I will contact you.

Springy Things

So we have now come to my favorite time of the year: April. April is my favorite month because it is like the beacon of hope after crossing a frozen tundra in Hell (read: Provo). It promises good things to come and in April all my dreams come true. To kick off the month, I will give you a list of the best things about April:

• Like previously stated, though considered the “rainy” month (such crap) it is actually the beautiful blooming month of flowers and sunshine and bunny rabbits. Sometimes though when the weather is bi-polar, April can shift from pleasant and slightly manic to depressive and gloomy and borderline suicidal. Like a snow storm mid-month. Like this morning when I was dressed in Spring-esque clothes, then I looked out the window and saw snow falling and heard Satan laughing. Still, like a good friend with some major quirks, April keeps you on your toes.

• Diamonds. The birth stone of April. My best friends. And if you are a girl, probably your best friends too. Even though I don’t actually own any. And I don’t own any for three reasons: I don’t have a husband, my parents don’t love me, I am poor. Enough about that. Moving on.

• The beginning of popsicle season. Let’s forget for a moment that it is also the beginning of swim suit season, which is scary and April is NOT scary. Popsicles mean popsicle-eating on my porch, in the park, on a bike, in the movie theater, in my bed, or wherever. Because it’s April. And popsicles make the summer come faster, I swear it’s true.

• The return of the zero-brain-power-needed shows that I love so much. Like Law & Order:SVU, and The Hills (what was up with Audrina in the last episode?! And what will happen with Spencer’s Plan: Operation Win Heidi Back??? PLEASE. He needs a shot of reality, like this…)

• And importantly – nay, MOST IMPORTANTLY it’s my BIRTHDAY MONTH. That’s right. The 17^th is the day I came into the world and mankind rejoiced. Man oh man would I love a diamond for my birthday. It would be so appropriate. But, if that is out of the budget (since I assume that whoever is reading this will get me a birthday present), a Nordstrom gift certificate will suffice.

What Not To Wear

Growing up I was never the cutest or classiest girl on the block. I didn’t put much thought into how unflattering my clothes were, how I really needed to style my hair or that glitter on my eyes was a bad idea.

I will admit that there were even times I walked the grounds of campus, and had Stacey or Clinton seen me they would have had an aneurysm right on the spot. I flatter myself that I have become classier with age. I always brush my teeth, I put on make-up, I do my hair. I even have variety. Some days eyeliner, or eyeshadow, or BOTH. Sometimes hair down and straight, or curly, or hawked up, or up with a French braid going along the side. I currently have my eye on a coral lipstick at Chanel. AND I do a decent job at coordinating my clothes, and I sometimes even wear heels to work! I know! Feel free to applaud me.

But today as I was walking out of the bookstore I saw him. The pajama kid. He is hard to forget because 1) he has REALLY curly blonde poofy hair, and 2) he always wears his pajamas. I have unpleasant memories of him from one of my history classes last semester. He would sit in the aisle, next to my chair, despite the fact that there were seats open, and he would make comments ALL THE TIME. And what’s worse, half the time whatever would come out of his mouth would be 100% wrong. It bothered me to no end. I almost said something to him a time or two, but then I thought that he might be mentally retarded and then I would feel like a jerk.

I unabashedly stared at him today as he walked by. I couldn’t get over his green cowboy pj bottoms, which were high-waters of course, and Nike basketball shoes. This was a change from the typical flannel bottoms and sandals of last semester. I thought to myself why it would be so hard for him to put on a pair of jeans. I couldn’t think of one good reason. And wouldn’t his mother be ashamed if she knew how her son was presenting himself in public? I wish that I knew where he lived so that I could donate a decent pair of pants. Then again, he is probably married so maybe it’s me that has the problem.

10 things I thought were cool when I was 15 and secretly still do even though I shouldn't:

1. Fire
2. Songs about fighting authority
3. Watermelon-flavored candy
4. Napalm
5. Thinking everyone around me is an alien
6. Jumping on the bed
7. Playing dress-up when I am alone
8. Sarcasm
9. The Three Amigos
10. Putting “Kick Me” notes on peoples backs very stealthily

Anyone else like this?

Around the World Soon Enough

I know that many people have been everywhere and seen everything and congratulations to them. I am not one of those people… yet. I’ve been to a few countries thus far and I plan on expanding that this fall. It sure seems like I brag a lot on my blog! I'm not a braggart by nature, but if you think about it, bragging is sort of the purpose of having a blog. You pretty much talk about how awesome you are all the time, and post pictures of how cute and/or snazzy you are, and then you hope other people read all about it. I'm just being honest. Can I be honest? Sure, I can! It's my blog and I know the password, so I can write whatever I want. I read your blog (probably) and I think you are awesome (usually.)

Cool places I’ve been:

• The Imperial War Museum

By far the best war museum I’ve ever been to. If ever in London it is a MUST.

• Sachsenhausen, the concentration camp right outside of Berlin

Warning: it is NOT a barrel of laughs

• Prague castle and the horrible staircase of death

• Cliffs of Moher

• Everywhere in hyde park, but sadly never rode the carousel

• The national gallery

If you get into Caravaggio and Van Gogh and Da Vinci and JMW Turner, and let’s be real – who doesn’t?

• Stonehenge

I was hoping to catch a glimpse of a creepy Celtic ritual. Alas.

• Portabello road

Freaks and antiques galore

• Ever gelato place on my way to wherever – don’t judge me! I’m weak. Let us not speak of it.

• White cliffs of Dover

Let’s have a moment of silence for the evacuation of Dunkirk. The 10 minute long unbroken scene in Atonement anyone? FANTASTIC.

• The Crane Pub in Galway.

• A ridiculously awesome play at The Globe – Even though it’s not the original theater, it makes me wonder how much history is right under our feet, waiting to be dug up. I love these old theatres, and I like to think about how disgusting they probably were.

• Loch Ness where I saw Nessie

• Lots of cold castles where I mused about how freezing life must have been

Cool places I wish I had been:

• The orangery which was right across the street in Kensington Gardens which I was lame enough to never take advantage of.

• Nude Italian beaches

• Great wall of china

Until then the great wall of chocolate at PF Changs will have to suffice

• Jerusalem

Maybe when I go live on a Kibbutz with Lisha

• The Forbidden City

• Anywhere in Switzerland - pretty flowers and hot men are abundant, so I hear.

• Normandy - WWII!
  

• Mumbai - Germs!
  

• Istanbul - Hamams!
  

• Rio – just for their cheap Brazilian food!