Oh the places you'll go!

I was talking with this bro the other day about imagination, and he was all bragging to me that he had some spectacular imagination that was WAY better than other peoples' imaginations. I started to argue, but then thought the better of it. First, it was quite obvious that I had the better imagination of the two, because I had better ideas and wit than him. I'm just sayin'! Also, maybe I should cut him some slack because he might actually have some imagination. A deep, hidden well, full of interesting thoughts that he doesn't share with anyone. That would make him less boring!

I sometimes imagine that the many boring people surrounding me each day have really awesome secret dark thoughts. Like kamikaze and death and chaos and shiz. That would make them way cooler and definitely freaky-deeky. No one cut them off in traffic or look out! Probably though most people are just as lame as I think they are.

I bet if someone could peek inside my mind for just one minute they would be overcome with wonder, confusion and bafflement. (Bafflement?) They would have a system freak-out overload. And then they would drop dead. Because that is how great my imagination is. Sometimes while I'm on the treadmill I think of chasing Osama Bin Laden through the cavernous hills of wherever he lives. Obviously I would outrun him. And I would have brass knuckles. You do the math. Or sometimes I think of what I would do if I ruled the world... how big would my army be? What would I wear? Would I marry to be respectable, or rule alone and mess around on the side? (That took me .02 seconds to decide). How will I design my propaganda posters? How big would my monument be? So many things to consider. It's exhausting.

I also enjoy musing about what it would be like to be a character in a book. Like Jane Eyre in Jane Eyre. Or Marianne Dashwood in Sense and Sensibility. If I got screwed over by a man like that, I would definitely NOT sit there and take it like some unlucky new guy in the prison showers. And then I would probably end up abondoning my moral convictions and give in to a life of sin. Because if Jane Eyre had done that then foxy Mr. Rochester wouldn't have gotten all gimpy and crap.

When I was little I used imagine going back in time to the Norman Invasion and giving the Britons machine guns. That'll teach William the Bastard! The sword-wielding men would look at me in amazement, and I'd act like it was no big deal. Then they would ask me to stay to show them more "magic." No, I would say, I cannot. But here is some Advil and tampons - enjoy! When I was even littler I used to make the Twins play "treasure hunt," which basically was them digging with little kid shovels wherever I commanded, with me being the master and getting to keep whatever we found. That's what the twins got because they weren't that imaginative.

Anyway. Maybe I shouldn't have shared all of that info. TMI! But I'm betting that I'm not the only one out there...

Only got love for the 101

All my life I have heard people cry about the traffic of California freeways. As if they really have somewhere they have to be when they get off work. It's one of those things that whiners love to hate. All ye pansy communters, hear this: Get some imagination! I find my 7.2 mile/40 mintue commute to be a real treat because of the following:

Example #1: The small pick up truck crammed with 18 Mexicans, giving me really polite compliments. I think those hand gestures must be a real compliment where they come from. Right back at ya home boys!

Example #2: The woman with one hand putting on lipstick, and the other holding a cell phone beneath her botoxed face - because that's legal you know - while driving with her knee. What talent! 4 stars!

Example #3: Nose-pickers. Kudos to you for not caring who sees!

Example #4: The rockers. Yes, they are my people. Those who rock-out, alone, and you know they are "singing" and the top of their lungs. Such zest for life! It gives one hope.

Example #5: The couples who DTRs in the car. DTR in the car. It could be a song title! And you can't help but wonder: what are they fighting about? Who cheated on who?? Who's the REAL baby-daddy?!? WILL HE STAY OR LEAVE FOREVER!?!? It's like free cable.

I know that I always love a good park on the freeway. Especially in an earthquake. God bless the Golden State.

Good thing there is complimentary Listerine in there...

By a show of hands, how many of you actually bring a toothbrush, toothpaste, and FLOSS with you everyday to work? I didn't think so. I am aware that I am the most boring human alive right now, but I swear the women's bathroom is just the gathering place of the oddest specimens of humanity in the building.

I first noticed the teeth-brushing a few weeks ago. And now I am noticing it on a daily basis. AND it is not limited to one woman. Oh no - there are definitely two. Two women who bring full-on hygiene kits with them into the womens wc. If brushing ones teeth were an Olympic sport, they would have a battle to the death for gold between the two of them.

Toothbrusher #2 I would give more points to, because she has one of those electric brushes as big as your forearm. And she really goes at it. Then again, Toothbrusher #1 is good at being regular. I'm talking everyday at 2pm. Trust me, I would know.

I never really thought of myself as a gross girl. I brush my hair and drink lots of water and wash my hands. But I feel kinda foul compared to them. I think I will start joining them in a group flossing session everyday after lunch. No snaggle-tooth for me.

That's just gross

You know you are in need of some serious amusement when the most interesting thing that happens all day takes place in the bathroom. Since when are toilets ever entertaining? Since now. I would know this because I frequent it at least 18 times a day. Mostly because I drink my body weight in water, but also because I sometimes get so bored at work I want to gauge my eyes out with a Papermate Flexigrip.

Anyway, by 11:36 am I was in bathroom for the 5th time, and when I walked in I saw a woman eating a sandwich. She was just sitting there, in a chair by the door, eating a sandwich. Like it was no big deal. She looked up at me as I stopped dead in my tracks in the doorway, and gave me that WHAT? look.

Was she in some kind of rush? Could she not eat food in her office? Did she have alzheimers and forget that bathrooms are full of germs you would not want in your roast beef? This ain't no Subway lady! Nor is this some women's lounge area like they have in a Nordstrom. You are sitting in a freaking plastic chair, practically blocking the door, chowing down on some meat-packed hoagie. Don't look at me like I am the crazy one.

DPRK FOREVER

It's no great secret that I have a bizarre fascination with the North Korean dictator Kim Jonj-Il. I find him both freaky and ridiculous, and I would definitely give him a 1st Place trophy in the World's Most Absurd Autocrat Contest. He's just like a petulant child who throws fits for attention. I think this picture speaks a thousand fitting words:

But really, does anyone actually know a Korean that doesn't freak them out even just a little bit? I bet not. What loveable histrionic psychopaths.

At any rate, although Kim is totally rad, I don't have similar sentiments for the Iranian President. Sorry Mahmoud, I'm just not down with you. Mostly because I like Jews and I think that YOU are the one that looks like a monkey, not Condi. But that's neither here nor there.

So as I was reading the latest from the Korean News Agency, you can imagine my great joy when I saw this:

Pyongyang, July 31 (KCNA) -- Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Iranian President, met and had a friendly talk in Tehran on July 29 with the DPRK delegation headed by Foreign Minister Pak Ui Chun to the conference of foreign ministers of non-aligned countries. Saying that Iran and the DPRK are countries fighting against the U.S. imperialists, the Iranian president sincerely hoped that the Korean people would achieve greater success in the anti-U.S. struggle. He expressed the belief that the relations between the two countries would grow stronger in the future, too.

JongIl + AhmadineWhackjob = BFF? Come on Kim Jong! Let's just be done with this whole Communism thing and get you out of the Axis of Evil black hole already. I know you want to. Hey I have an idea! Why don't you start building useful things to sell on the world market, like bikes, instead of ballistic missiles? I'm sure your people would still worship you, even if you allowed them to have toilet paper. And can anyone tell me why DPRK stands for the Democratic Peoples Republic of Korea, when the only thing that name has in common with the country is "Peoples" and "Korea?"

A related item: Kim's Online Journal. Sounds about right.