There are few things in life more boring than listening to someone drone on and on about their health problems.
Wait. I just remembered something more boring. Okay real quick story. Once I went to a bookstore to look through magazines with a friend of mine, and there was this oldish one-legged man sitting at a table next to us. He constantly looked over at what we were reading and would say things like, "I was married to a woman who looked like that actress right there. Except my wife was WAY hotter. Seriously, she was this gorgeous Spanish supermodel. Penelope Cruz looks like a dog compared to her." And my friend would pretend he didn't exist so I felt the need to try to be kind of polite and I would "Hmmm" and "Oh" and nod because - well, he had one leg. Anyway. It got ridiculous. Soon he was talking about his rocket scientist son who was better-looking than Brad Pitt circa A River Runs Through It. THAT was probably the most boring storytelling I've ever been guilted into.
So, meds. People these days just run around telling you about what medications they're on or how many vials of blood the doctor just took or about their erratic sleep patterns which is "killing" them because they're just sooo tired. My mom would probably say that with some people, this obnoxious word vomit is a cry for help and I should smile and nod and sympathize. Huh.
Obviously I'm not my mom. Because when a sob-fest broke out last night amongst a few girls, I was calmly backing away to my car in an attempt to flee the scene of pretentious pain. I failed. One turned to me for my two cents, which was probably unwise.
Her: Life is just really demanding, you know?
Me: (Nod with blank look on my face).
Her: I mean I've started taking some medications recently but I think it made me gain all this weight or maybe that's from not working out and eating more chocolate because I've just been so stressed that I crave those Snickers ice cream bars so I eat like 3 of those while I have Gilmore Girls marathons but then I stay up late and I'm all tired at work and my co-worker is like"Here have some of my Adderral" and I was like "I don't believe in using that stuff" but maybe I'll ask my doctor about that too because I'm so super tired all the time and so super stressed!
Me: Well . . . maybe you should just kill yourself.
Her: (Pause. Blink. Blank look).
Me: I mean, it would pretty much solve all your problems.
Her: (Pause. Blink. Blank look).
And VOILA! I have just found the perfect way to shut people up. I just love discovering new methods of avoiding horribly mind-numbing situations.
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5 comments:
BEST. IDEA. EVER.
and, even better, told in a really funny and intelligent and witty way. oh tara, how can i get you to move in with me with me and follow me around all day? my life would be so much better, i'm sure.
genius
you didn't.
i could see how it would work though!
You're one smarty pants.
I had forgotten about that moment in time at the bookstore. Mostly because I wasn't really "there" to begin with. I learned the art of ignoring weird people from my snobby roomate when we lived with the filthy Indian (dot, not feather) girl.
Wow. I wonder what someone from the outside would think of that last paragraph. My life seems really bizarre.
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