Oh to be the youngest

Meet Paige.



Paige is almost 10, or is it 17? I can't remember.

She's a pretty little thing, isn't she? Like a young Regina George, and not just in looks. Know that whatever Paige wants, Paige GETS. Sometimes it's through begging and pleading and making deals (and threats), but usually it is through her true medium: Manipulation. She is as skilled in this art as Aubrey O'Day is in being a skank. A true master. Though my brothers and I are immune to such forces, my mother, apparently, is not. Perhaps it's because Paige is the baby, or maybe my mom is done fighting battles after 6 kids. Who knows. The fact of the matter is that the docile, sweet, obedient children ended with #5.

Now I know you might be horrified that I say such things about my own blood. Dudes, chill. She's 10 and doesn't read blogs. Besides, she my sister and she knows I love her. Usually. When I haven't run out of Diet Coke and patience.

Let me direct you to the following incident that took place just a few days ago as my family was vacationing in Pismo. We like this restaurant, The Splash:


We like their toasted bread bowls, but the clam chowder isn't THAT great. Paige, however, decreed that it indeed WAS that great, and while the rest of us wanted to eat at Brad's, she demanded that we wait in this line instead:

On a very cold, blustery afternoon mind you. Despite the fact that there was a near mutiny on her hands, my mother acquiesced. Such an enabler. (Just kidding mom). Why, I kept asking myself, am I standing out here waiting with the freaky art when I could be ordering a better bread bowl or tri-tip sandwich right next door? Because I'm lazy, that's why.

So I looked at this for a while and couldn't decide between the following:




a) Clam-Man is horrified at the immodesty of Lesbian Laura/ Feminine Fred / Unisex Pat. For the sake of propriety let's go with Unisex Pat.

b) Clam-Man is horrified that Uni.P here is immensely enjoying eating his cousin Gill, who was unfortunately caught by the dreaded fisherman's nets just when he thought he was safe.

c) Clam-Man is afraid that Unisex Pat is in fact a woman and is about to go into labor, and being a clam he can't do much but look horrified, especially because she seems to be bizarrely smug about it.


Obviously I came to no real conclusion, other than wondering why we humans need to anthropomorphize everything.

THEN, after our very clammy chowder had been devoured, we went back to the pool of the hotel which we had already checked out of hours earlier, so Paige could swim. And, thanks to that great decision, we got stuck in horrible Santa Barbara traffic.

So if you ever meet Paige in person, JUST SAY NO.