Have you ever tried to calculate the number of people in Hell? Let me help. You can check politicians, insurance agents, car salesmen and anyone remotely tied to the IRS off the list. We can also toss in outspoken celebrities and concession-stand price-setters, if you like. And just when you thought Satan couldn't take anyone else in, I am now adding a new category: the people at those kiosks in the mall who will run after you when you try to ignore them.
I know you know who I mean. They accost you in public with their false smiles and lying words. And it totally happened to me the other day. There I was, after a long day of work, strolling through the mall thinking about how much I hate Abercrombie. Bothering no one. When suddenly this guy yells something at me. It makes me jump a bit, but I start to walk faster to ignore the crazy person who obviously has a problem with me. Then I hear this freak yelp in my direction and since I'm unaccustomed to being shouted at in any place other than a construction zone, I turned around very slowly and gave him my most venomously annoyed look I could muster.
Then he asked me a question, and I dropped all hard feelings. It was that ACCENT of his. Those dang accents get me every time. And this was no foul Cockney British or stale French accent, this was Israeli. I knew it instinctively. The Jew inside me totally recognized it. Plus, he was really pretty. So I did what any Israeli-infatuated girl would do: flirt my heart out. And let me tell you guys, I gave it my all. But he was having NONE of it. Whilst I was trying to glean info on Israel out of him, he was trying to sell me this manicure crap. Hello man, I just want your digits. Or a proper Jewish greeting. I would even settle for a Jew pick-up line. But he just scrubbed away on my already polished fingernails, giving short answers to my genius witticisms.
Jew: So, you interested in this set? I give you a good deal.
Me: It's not the set I'm interested in. . . (insert: huge smile and wink)
Jew: I can give you a good Christmas deal.
Me: Or you could buy it for me for Yom Kippur. It's going on right now, you know.
Jew: (silent)
Me: You know, a friend and I wanted to live on a kibbutz. But now I think I have to go if all the men are as handsome as you.
Jew: (snort-chrortle-sneeze-gag)
Awkward... Awkward...
So I took that as my que, threw him some deuces, and traipsed off without a backward glance. My pride was a bit wounded, I confess. And come on - one of my fingernails was missing paint. As if I didn't already feel like an idiot. I almost turned around and said, Good luck finding someone who loves your people more than I do! But I refrained. Instead I have decided to chant PLO mantras whenever I walk by that Kiosk. Which will hurt me, because as everyone knows I love that gutsy little Israel. I will also declare to every salesman I encounter from now on that I have sworn off buying ANYTHING because of a Jew that broke my fragile heart when he used me to sell some faulty nail product.
Perhaps a bit dramatic, but you know what they say - Hell hath no fury . . .
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4 comments:
I really really really love jewish noses.
And apparently they're selling paper soap or something like that these days. This kiosk guy shoved it in my face and then yelled after me, "DON'T EAT IT! DON'T EAT IT!"
I have a strong inner-jew too. maybe that's yet another reason why we're friends. and i also sit around and try to get information from people that they don't want to give. it usually involves communism somehow.
and yeah, once i bought two of those manicure things just so i could leave the kiosk. sad, i know.
ps funny story to tell you about our neighbor thinking we were jewish. ask me next time we're in person.
All I can do is shake my head and smile. You're awesome cousin. You even got Adam laughing...which can be tough sometimes. Congrats.
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