The Alligator Lizard of All Freakiness that I woke up to one day, STARING at me as it sat on MY HEAD?!? Consider this Unsolved Mystery case re-opened. Here is how it happened:
It was late at night and I was about ready to crawl into bed. My little sister was sleeping so I had a dim lamp on, ergo my eyesight was a little senior-citizen. I go to turn down my bed, and there it is - SITTING ON MY PILLOW! After my initial heart attack, my first thought was, OMG the diseases that thing is leaving on my clean linens is probably unfathomable! Thankfully, this was Rabid Lizard Junior - so it was only a couple inches long (not including tail). BUT STILL.
Dad was up, so I ran into his office and declared that he just WOULD NOT BELIEVE what was lounging on my bed at this very moment. I am eternally grateful that Dad is more adept at catching lizards than my worthless brothers, because he caught that sucker in one swipe (recall, if you will, Sam and his 20 minutes of "Swat the lizard with your glove").
Though I was exhausted and now nauseated and so confused at how this happened, AGAIN, I changed my sheets - like I'm going to sleep on something that nasty creature crawled all over. As I took my small blankie (laugh if you will, but yes I still sleep with my baby blanket) and began to shake it out, I got yet another surprise:
What you see here friends is the FULL-BODY-SKIN-SHEDDING of serpent junior. I am pretty much vomitting in my mouth right now in this narrative. I hope you are too - that's why I posted the picture. Because misery loves company.Dudes - how did this happen again?! From whence are they coming? And why on MY bed? And why MY HEAD? Are they attracted to the smell of my shampoo? Do I emit some freak cold-blooded animal hormone? Because heaven knows I don't produce any pheromones (see: attraction). Am I actually part reptilian and didn't even know it? I mean, really - that would explain a lot.
So not only did Little Lucifer mysteriously sneak into my room, crawl under my comforter and get cozy on my pillow, but it also shed in my favorite blanket! That just really pushed me over the edge, you know? I mean, I'm kind of a patient girl - but no more! Which is why I am DECLARING WAR AGAINST ALL CREATURES OF THIS SPECIES. No more missy nice pants here - you disgusting animals have gotten the easy treatment from me. I WILL discover where you are skulking in from. And when I catch you I will throw you, with all my might, to the mutt mongrels next door - yes, the dogs owned by THE NEIGHBORS. And I will taunt them with you first, to make an example to all your nasty buddies who are apparently in on this prank too.
This war is official now. Be afraid, Spawn of Satan.
Be VERY afraid.
3 comments:
Ewww. Your post made me laugh, and cry, but mostly just be absolutely disgusted. Makes me wonder if one of these creatures has slept in one of your siblings' beds without their knowledge? I repeat: EWWW!!!!
i'd like to extend the awful offer of letting you move in with us. you'll have to share a room with ava. but i promise you, PROMISE YOU that you will never find a lizard on your pillow (maybe a sippy cup).
is surrender an option? because i think that's how the lizards would interpret that. . .
Oh dear, T.Dise, I feel your pain. I wish there was a law irrevocably decreed in heaven that animals/creatures/bugs were not allowed in human beds. That is a line that should never be crossed.
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