"Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it. "

So I know a lot of people just ADORE Halloween and claim it is their all time favorite holiday yada yada yada. But ever since the trick-or-treating days of yore ended it just doesn't seem to matter. What is the point of a holiday where you can no longer knock on a strangers door and demand candy in exchange for not pulling a trick on them?

Thankfully, there is no age limit on dressing up (or way, way down - depending on how you look at it). Costumes are an essential part of Halloween, and that, I think, is where my problem lies. Because here is what you maybe didn't know about me: I love going to places mostly naked.
Restaurants, the movies, playgrounds, church - you name it. My philosophy is The Less Clothed The Better.

And I don't really stand out when every other female, and the vast majority of males, are out-skanking me. All of these get-ups are stealing my thunder, and they act like they're SO ORIGINAL. I mean, why do we act like someone wrapping themselves in only cellophane and calling it a costume is the equivalent to brain surgery? Trust me, cello-wrap's not difficult to do, though it IS difficult to break dance in.

Just last night there was a pre-Halloween party, and the "Tarzan" who walked by got all kinds of stares and comments from my co-workers like, He's only wearing THAT?! And I was all, Please - like it's HARD to walk around in front of children with all your flesh exposed. I would like to see Mr. Thunder-of-the-Jungle pull that off next Thursday.

So really, I opt out of this holiday of pretension. If so many people not-so-secretly wished they were porn stars, why don't they just dress like that for everyday occasions like I do? Why all the spectacle and fanfare? Man all this nudity talk really makes me want some candy.

Another Tail for Tuesday

YOU GUYS. One of my worst nightmares came true last night. Remember this?




The Alligator Lizard of All Freakiness that I woke up to one day, STARING at me as it sat on MY HEAD?!? Consider this Unsolved Mystery case re-opened. Here is how it happened:

It was late at night and I was about ready to crawl into bed. My little sister was sleeping so I had a dim lamp on, ergo my eyesight was a little senior-citizen. I go to turn down my bed, and there it is - SITTING ON MY PILLOW! After my initial heart attack, my first thought was, OMG the diseases that thing is leaving on my clean linens is probably unfathomable! Thankfully, this was Rabid Lizard Junior - so it was only a couple inches long (not including tail). BUT STILL.

Dad was up, so I ran into his office and declared that he just WOULD NOT BELIEVE what was lounging on my bed at this very moment. I am eternally grateful that Dad is more adept at catching lizards than my worthless brothers, because he caught that sucker in one swipe (recall, if you will, Sam and his 20 minutes of "Swat the lizard with your glove").

Though I was exhausted and now nauseated and so confused at how this happened, AGAIN, I changed my sheets - like I'm going to sleep on something that nasty creature crawled all over. As I took my small blankie (laugh if you will, but yes I still sleep with my baby blanket) and began to shake it out, I got yet another surprise:

What you see here friends is the FULL-BODY-SKIN-SHEDDING of serpent junior. I am pretty much vomitting in my mouth right now in this narrative. I hope you are too - that's why I posted the picture. Because misery loves company.

Dudes - how did this happen again?! From whence are they coming? And why on MY bed? And why MY HEAD? Are they attracted to the smell of my shampoo? Do I emit some freak cold-blooded animal hormone? Because heaven knows I don't produce any pheromones (see: attraction). Am I actually part reptilian and didn't even know it? I mean, really - that would explain a lot.

So not only did Little Lucifer mysteriously sneak into my room, crawl under my comforter and get cozy on my pillow, but it also shed in my favorite blanket! That just really pushed me over the edge, you know? I mean, I'm kind of a patient girl - but no more! Which is why I am DECLARING WAR AGAINST ALL CREATURES OF THIS SPECIES. No more missy nice pants here - you disgusting animals have gotten the easy treatment from me. I WILL discover where you are skulking in from. And when I catch you I will throw you, with all my might, to the mutt mongrels next door - yes, the dogs owned by THE NEIGHBORS. And I will taunt them with you first, to make an example to all your nasty buddies who are apparently in on this prank too.

This war is official now. Be afraid, Spawn of Satan.
Be VERY afraid.

Some deep thoughts for you to munch on

(Photo from Despair.com)

Because its Friday. And who actually works on a Friday afternoon? Nobody, that's who.

I was standing in front of my closet this morning, thinking "REALLY? Why do I even own this stuff? I really have NOTHING else?!" and I discarded at least half of it into my D.I. pile because it was all either too blousy or too frumpy or too chinsy or too embarrassing or just flat-out ugly. So I had to take a breather and do some 30-second meditating. Here is a glimpse into the enlightened workings of my inner mind whilst working on my ch'i:

Why is it that I can never just buy ONE pair of shoes when I go to Nordstrom Rack? I think it is physically impossible for me to walk out the exit doors unless I am holding at least 2 pair. Which is absurd, because OBVIOUSLY what I need is some new clothes, not shoes.

Speaking of shoes, I am convinced that Steve Maddens just do not fit the foot the way that they used to. Am I alone in this suspicion?

I am really slacking in keeping up with fall shows. I mean, I've got excuses I guess - like I travel a lot and I'm still into my Indian Summer of YA Fiction - but is there EVER a really good excuse to just NOT watch tv in the fall? I haven't even STARTED Gossip Girl - it's that bad! And there are a plethora of seemingly so-awful-it's-like-a-train-wreck-where-I-just-can't-look-away kinds of shows, like Melrose Place and Vampire Diaries and Sorority Wars. It's time to take my daily productivity down a notch, obviously.

And since it is now fall, it means time to start working on those Fall Goals! Namely, watching more tv (I WILL keep up with 30 Rock and Glee this season, I am determined) and getting some new clothes. From Target. NOT Gilt, WHITNEY LAU.

I really need a career, so I CAN shop at Gilt and simultaneously build up my retirement. But since that's not happening, thank you mom and dad for allowing your daughter to continue living a Peter Pan lifestyle.

To continue supporting procrastination, I present Cake Wrecks for your amusement. You've probably seen it already, but when I'm in need of a quick giggle Jen's dry wit and sarcasm are just a click away.

Three cheers to brain-mush Fridays!