Stone Cold Sober

If I drank alcohol, I would be an alcoholic. I know this because I am always drinking something like Diet Coke, and if I'm not, then I'm thinking about how I wish I were drinking something like Diet Coke. Which is one of the many reasons I don't drink. Last night I remembered another reason: getting drunk makes you look like a total idiot.

Example: A girlfriend and I went out for some late-night dancing in Seattle. We were the first on the dance floor, getting our groove on while everyone else was getting hosed. Miraculously, an hour later the floor was packed with people who suddenly had zero inhibitions where they were previously chalk-full of them an hour before. Girls thought themselves the new Britney (with considerable less balance), the dudes ogled with bottles (and very likely roofies) in hand, and the cougars (bless their hearts) took advantage of anything male that came their way. Such a delight for a connoisseur of human folly such as I.

After hours of dancing and interesting encounters, we tried to bus it home - a total disaster - and just talked a cab into a ridiculously low rate to take us home instead. But I am convinced that had I been sloshed out of my mind, I would be dead. So thank you Diet Coke for giving me a good alternative to mind-blowing inebriation.

I hope that the next few cities on my itinerary hold as much, if not more, intoxicated ridiculousness. I have a feeling I won't be disappointed.