List Philosophies

I feel that this week is a good list-making week. I love making lists. It is one of my favorite church past-times. If you are not a list maker, then you will either be bored (aka you are boring) or you are about to change your mind.

I would like to say that my lists are productive, like To-Do lists, or Things-I-am-Grateful-For lists, but usually they are lists of Awesome-Things-I've-Done-In-My-Life or the Pros-And-Cons-of-Being-a-SuperHero or Things-I-Would-Like-To-Do-To-People-I-Hate. Ergo the following.

Things which are too hyped-up:

All things organic

Academia

Non-conformists

Global warming

Islam

Morals

Poofs

Most bestselling books

Equality

Comparing things to the Vietnam War

Snow sports

Anything written by Dan Brown

Helping other nations

Everything “Going Green”

Things that deserve more praise:

Korean rice

Vikings

Mexicans who speak English in America

Finding good produce in Utah

Capitalism/America/Productivity/being smart

Irish drinking songs

Spies

Europeans - because over there everybody wins and, at the same time, everybody loses. It's really nice.

Winking

My cooking

People abducted by extra terrestrials

Shoe sales at Nordstrom

Mitt Romney’s jawline

Did I miss anything?

BA... or BS?

Dear BYU,

I am a fraud.

For years I have complained about the many ridiculous hoops that you have made me jump through – and now I realize that I was wrong and you were right. I will be getting a BA in History, which in essence means nothing because I am dumb. I can spout out a few little-known (and little-cared about) facts on China. I can tell you that Marbury v. Madison set the basis for the exercise of judicial review. I can tell you that D-Day happened on June 6 1944, Pearl Harbor on December 7 1941, and sometimes I can remember the definition of a fascist. I can also tell you with absolute surety that conflicts between the Israelis and Palestinians are COMPLEX.

I can write a decent thesis paper, but according to Dr. Holmes my grammar is terrible. I CANNOT do math nor can I speak a cool language. I once thought I was a deep thinker, but then I made a goal to no longer fake reality.

Also, I somehow managed to NOT take Biology, Chemistry, Physics, American Heritage, or Doctrine and Covenants. This makes me feel clever, like I beat you BYU – but stupid because I didn’t learn it. You did however screw me over with statistics, so congratulations on that one.

Now I will feel like a liar when I put down the many “skills” I have garnered from BYU on my resume. Maybe in the skills category I will instead put, “Somehow managed to graduate from BYU without actually earning it.”

How We Roll in California

Ever wondered what a family with a 15 year age gap does for family home evening? Well wonder no more! My family has come up with the solution that fits all ages.

(Warning: This activity not suitable for anyone with brain cells.)

Welcome to Taradise

This is where I get to go in a few days.

I know. Warm weather, sunshine, cool ocean breeze. The complete antithesis of Provo. Don’t be too jealous though. I am going home for a reason, and the reason is this: my twin brothers are getting home from their missions in England.

“But Tara,” you may say, “aren’t you so excited that they are coming home?”

Well… sort of.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my little brothers. They are everything that little brothers should be. You might say they fulfill the measure of their creation. They are funny (if you consider blowing things up at family reunions funny), they are trouble makers (they power-boxed just about friend and acquaintance they had), they tease my younger siblings relentlessly, they ate all the ice cream in the house and pretended they didn’t, but most importantly – they do whatever I want them to.

This I attribute to years of WWF – Tara the Rock vs. The Evil Twins, in which I always dominated. Also, I used to manipulate them.

When we were little I would tell them, You start kindergarten TOMORROW so you’d better get your stuff ready because you have to stay there all day!... and then they would cry as I laughed and I would tell them I was kidding, and then they laughed too (I think). When we got older and I was coerced into babysitting every weekend for years, I would convince them that I was unable to walk/lift my arms/get up and that it would be in everyone’s best interest if they did my chores/put the babies in the bath/cleaned the kitchen.

But they did whatever I asked, to which I now, as a mature and responsible adult, am grateful. That is why I am going home. I will not have a bedroom, or even a bed, now that they are back. I will have to endure hours of torment riding in a car with THE WHOLE FAMILY. And I have to relive the slight (or extreme) jealousy that they got to live in England for two years, and the regret (until the day I die) that I didn’t take the internship in the British parliament this winter that was offered to me.

Oh the things I do for my family. Twins, this is for you.

Society for HandHeld Hushing

I work on campus, in a back office with a rather large desk, two computer monitors, and a window that “overlooks” the hallway. I thought that people coming up to me and ordering a double cheeseburger with fries and a shake was kind of funny until the 18,00^th time, and then it started to get old. But what REALLY started to bother me were the incessant cell phone conversations that I was forced to listen to. Apparently there is some mysterious force field throughout the rest of the building which forces my peers to only chat on their mobiles right outside of where I sit.

“I know, right?! Can you BELIEVE she would actually say that to me?! I don’t know who she thinks she is…”

“I'm here, where are you?...Over here, where are you?...Right here, where are you?...”

“Dude it will be OFF THE HOOK! We’re gonna bring wine coolers and fire crackers. Maybe we can find stuff to set on fire. I know – AWESOME. And lots of chicks….”

“Sure. 5 o’clock? Ya that sounds fun. No I really like the idea of eating dinner on a grassy median in the middle of the road. And then laser tag? Ok cool. Uh-huh…. Yep ice skating after that would be fun. Ya that movie looked good, I’ve been wanting to see it. It starts at 10 pm? Dessert after? Sounds good. After the movie? At your sister’s house? Cool.”

I was over dumb gossip (at least give me something juicy), descriptions of marathon dates that sounded awful, and tools discussing their lives that they think are AWESOME but really are so stupid that you want to rip your hair out just thinking about it.

So I made a sign kindly asking people to take their unwanted conversations elsewhere, preferably while walking off a cliff. I taped it in a very conspicuous spot on the wall, hoping the cell phone talk-pacing across my window would finally end. I think it helped a bit. A few winners came up to me, pointed at it and said, “You sick of hearing people talk on their cell phones?” No. I was hoping for more actually.

Then I discovered this website. It makes cards that you can hand out to people. I have already filled a few out which read like this: “Dear cell phone user – We are aware that your ongoing conversation about (example) your inability to get a date is very important to you, but we thought you’d like to know that it doesn’t interest us in the least. In fact, your babbling disregard for others is more than a little annoying. “

I suddenly feel so empowered.

To Feign Surprise

To date, I have not yet accomplished a single New Year’s resolution. Not like this comes as a surprise… even though I only made one. But THIS for me is an accomplishment. Yes I am aware that everyone is blogging these days. Yes I am aware that it is easy. You may well wonder why I have held out so long. And the answer is always the same: pride. Pure and simple and sinful pride. Just like the day I decided to give in and join Facebook. Feelings of curiosity and the desire to write nasty things on people walls overcame my shame at being defeated by big-brother Web.

But now I am here and ready to join my fellow earthlings in this cyberspace phenomenon! I will write! I will offend! I will bore! And I will NOT apologize!

To the world: You are welcome.