My love of Year End Wrap Ups has been sufficiently documented, but frankly, I'm too lazy busy to catalog The Best And Worst Of 2010. And as most of you also know, I am really into seasonal goals that don't actually do much to improve my character or increase my health. Whatever! Those are the only goals I sometimes accomplish, so judge away. But let's discuss that one topic that never gets mentioned this time of year: Resolutions.
Since we have reached that blessed time when humans everywhere take stock of their many shortcomings and give a Valiant Effort – till March – to correct noted flaws, I am going to change it up a little this year. I'm going to make resolutions for other people. It's both a talent and a service! Here is the list I have come up with so far:
More restaurants should resolve to offer sandwiches/paninis with Nutella as the main ingredient. Because very nearly everything tastes better with Nutella. In fact, it should also be offered as a sauce/side to all entrees and appetizers. Watch out ketchup!
The Indianapolis Colts should resolve to win more games. I mean – what happened? Peyton is practically Zeus reincarnate. I know there have been injuries and yada yada yada, so maybe Austin Collie and Dallas Clark should resolve to
stop getting hurt.
THE NEIGHBORS should resolve to stop smoking, stop buying horrible yappy dogs they neglect, stop re-landscaping with their newfound inheritance money since we both know it will be a field of weeds doubling as a parking lot in a couple months anyway, and stop living next door.
All authors everywhere should resolve to create a male character that doesn't have crooked/lopsided/uneven but Completely Adorable smile. Please tell me that I'm not the only one who gags when EVERY MALE LEAD in every book has this wack mouth. Or maybe I am the only one who notices, because I don't have many YA fic lovin friends and am probably totally alone in this grievance. But whatev – the point is: What does a crooked smile look like?! I get that it's supposed to be this cute and unique faux-flaw on Otherwise Flawless Boy – but it always sounds kind of gross to me.
Celebrities and "celebrities" should resolve to stop naming their babies crazy-a names. Pilot Inspektor? Buddy Bear Maurice? Perhaps I ought to send "Welcome to Earth!" cards to these rich and famous, complete with tips on How To Not Screw Up Your Child Who Will Probably Interact With Normal Humans For The Rest Of Its Life.
What about you guys – any resolutions you would make for everybody else?
8 comments:
wait, is Pilot Inspektor a real thing? Did that really happen? Wow.
Oh my gosh. wow. I just looked it up.
are you serious about nutella? i haven't had it since french class in high school. the other day at the grocery store i stood staring at it wondering if i should buy it...i guess, on your recommendation, i will.
I think you should call me more.
Also, people should use their inside voices when speaking on cell phones inside public transportation.
I don't think I could live without my jar of Nutella!
People should learn that if you're talking to someone on your Bluetooth do not engage someone else in a conversation as well! It just gets too confusing.
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