From Sticks to the Ritz: A Travel Adventure

I decided to start my summer off right by taking myself on a vacation to Maui. Now before you roll your eyes and mutter that this will just be one of those My Vacation Was Super Awesome And Your Life Sucks kinds of posts, which is probable, let me say that I was unsure of how this trip would go.

Here's why:
Heelllooo Jack! This is Matthew Fox, who plays Dr. Jack Shepard on the brilliant and tragically over show, LOST. And I saw him in LAX as I was about to board my plane. AND we locked eyes for a sweet moment. I successfully repressed my urge to run and plant a whopper of a kiss on him, or to yell out something slightly snide like Did you find your destiny yet Doc?! But then I realized that he just might be a terribly unlucky omen, because for those of you who don't watch the show, his plane crashes on a mysterious island on the way to LAX.

And I was flying out of LAX to an island.

Kinda freaky, right? The whole horrible flight over I was thinking of what I would do if our plane went down. This was good planning on my part, because even though I obviously made it there in one piece, I actually ended up living in the rain forest. FOR 5 DAYS. So all those boy scout survival skills, extra water bottles and sanitary wipes came in handy. A little TOO handy.

I stayed with some friends in Hana. In a hut. In the Rain Forest of Greedy Mosquitoes. With an outside shower. But WITHOUT a bathroom. And let me tell you right now: Tara + popping squats = messy wet disasters. I know. GROSS. I found myself saying prayers of thanks anytime we went to town and there was a public restroom. Me giving thanks for porta-potties is on my list of Things I Never Thought I'd Be Thankful For, right up there with sprained ankles and sun stroke.

I'd recount more about the misadventures in Hana, but do you really care? Of course not. We'll leave Hana on the high-note of toilets and move to the final phase: We ended the stay in Wailea, thank goodness. At The Grand Wailea, which is a Waldorf Astoria hotel. I was about to flop down in the massive outdoor lobby and weep from relief and happiness, but they frown on that kind of thing there.

I've never been so glad to see clean towels, running water and rich retired folks in my life.

I came away from this holiday with a renewed sense of my high maintenance lifestyle and love of all things money can buy. Go ahead and judge away, but I'd like to see how you hold up when on your left leg ALONE you have 18 mosquito bites.

So I guess I'm not great at roughing it. But I AM great at loafing and staying at expensive places on someone else's dime. We all have our talents, I guess.

In which I make two major life decsions.

First.

I'm going to invest in a nice phone for the first time in my life. The few that I've had always range somewhere between Secondary Character On Some Teen Show Once Had One In Part Of An Episode and Owned Only By The Homeless.

The lucky new phone will be none other than the Droid Incredible for Verizon. Honestly, HTC is probably the best thing to ever happen to Verizon. So now I'll get to experience what it's like being able to access my email even when I don't have my computer, only a few hundred years behind everyone else. I'm slowly starting to catch up to the rest of America so WATCH OUT.

Two.

I think I'm going to start another blog where I review books. And if you just snorted some milk out of your nose, your eyes did not deceive you. I CAN read. I learned a year or two ago and just kind of ran with it. And since no one reads the same things at the same time as I do, or maybe it's because I "lack friends", and I always have things I want to say about something I read, particularly if I dislike it, I'm just gonna blog it.

Plus, I don't have cable. Or an imagination. Which is why I read things other people have thought of. That's what I do when I'm not updating this blog. Which is pretty much always.

Anyway. Details to follow shortly. Which is such a wonderfully ambiguous term.