Selling Myself

There are many things in life that I just love to hear over and over again from people who have no connection to my life whatsoever. One of my all time favorites is, "Why aren't you married yet? Are you really picky or something?" That one makes me feel like a million bucks every time. When I was younger I wasn't sure how to respond to that one. Now I have many responses, the most effective being "It's sad how many guys will write you off because of a mild case of gonorrhea," coupled with a dainty sigh and a shrug.

Last week I was asked to fill out a dating survey. Which I filled out WITH PLEASURE. So it's got me to thinking of ways to increase the demand for the goods, as it were. Two things were pretty clear to me right off the bat. Obviously I should start wearing way less clothing on a daily basis. And I should do more Captain Morgan poses. Wearing the hat and sword and boots ONLY.

Also. I think it would also be really helpful if I created a LOVE RESUME for myself! It's time for a lesson in self-respect ya'll. The thing is, I should probably make this PG rated which means my colorful and explicit background should only be hinted at, like it was here. It's all about honesty you know.

What we're having right here is some brainstorming, so feel free to contribute ideas that I can add to my resume. So far I think this stuff should be mentioned:

-- I have high yet reasonable standards. While I've often gone out with a 9, I have NEVER dated a 3, or a relative.

-- I like things clean and orderly! So you better believe I will hire THE BEST maid that minimum wage can buy.

-- I'm really happy, patient and loving! Excpet in situations involving most animals, small children, crying, stress, forced monogamy, my favorite football teams sucking, weird smells, lack of ice cream in the freezer, anything related to Mockingjay, no fresh flowers on my kitchen table, and annoying people.

-- I'm into saving the environment! I always cut up those plastic soda can holders before I dump them into the ocean so that the poor birdies don't get their beaks all jacked up in them.

-- I'm super supportive! When you get home from work after a long and stressful day, I'll let you release all that pent-up anger by giving me a good back rub.

Hm. I feel like it's missing some things. It's a good start though, right? Body flaunting is a good first step in the right direction.