Bring the Heat

Well folks, it's that time again: Summer is officially here. The birds are singing, the gas prices soaring, and the sun is scorching our skin off and giving us cancer. Looks like it's time for Summer Goals!


I've been putting a lot of thought into what I want to achieve. What should I be aiming for? What kind of person do I want to be? What will make me lots of money and give me lots of power? And I've decided to work on two things that I think might get me on The Path To Responsibility, so to speak.



1. Become a somewhat decent Scrabble player. I admit it - I've never excelled at card and board games, which is how I came to be a great cheater. But Scrabble I can't really cheat at, and when I try I usually get called out and therefore lose which kind of defeats the purpose of cheating since I'm only in it to destroy my competition. It still remains a mystery as to why I struggle with Scrabble, since I have such stunning vocabulary and I regularly create anagrams in my mind while people drone on to me about boring things.




2. Embark on at least one Quest per season. That's right - a Quest. Any kind will do, though I'm thinking something akin to Frodo and The Ring sounds reasonable. Up first: locating a great rope swing. Obviously over water. And preferably within an hour of my home. I haven't had a good swing and/or plunging-into-unknown-depths in years. It's time, you know?



I'm aware that in the eyes of some my Summer Goals aren't going to "Help my future" or "Get me out of my parents' house", though they sounds curiously able to increase my Nerd Score. I, however, have confidence that Scrabble and rope swings will not only destroy my June Slump, it will transcend it.

The Cute & Cuddly

I have this co-worker, bless her heart, who just loves to show me picture books of the cute and furry creatures of God's kingdom. Either she's a bit dense or I do a good job of feigning interest, because I am constantly being bombarded by "Oh! Isn't this just the cutest thing?!?" while she waves pictures of bunnies or puppies in my face. And I am the last person who would coo over a smelly germ infested anything, even if it is fluffy and waddles.

So while she prattles on about how adorable some animal is and I dumbly nod my head in response, I'm ACTUALLY musing about what the animals are probably thinking at the moment.

"You know friend, I've been following you around this box for hours but everything still looks the same. At least, I think it was you. Or maybe it was that other podgy yellow ball of fluff, or that other . . ."


"So my mom said I can go practice nipping at the mailman tomorrow with you - hey Rufus are you listening to me?"
"Ya Milo. It's just that this !@#$% onesie is cutting off my circulation and I'm being slowly asphyxiated to death."
"Hang in there Rufus. Just a few more minutes and then we get to stuff our snouts with a big bowl of Iams."
"I hope one day we can turn the tables and do this to THEIR children and post the pictures all over the internet for everyone to gawk at."



"And then I was like, 'Take this you drooling flea bag! What?! You think because you're a Doberman Pincher you can take THIS on?!'"
"Oh, Bravo Fluffy! Bravo!"



Rodent: "Guys isn't this GREAT? All of us so adorable and friendly with each other?! Although . . . um . . . Kitty, I have to say that it makes me a TAD nervous that you keep staring at me while simultaneously invading my personal space. And is that . . . drool?"
Kitty: "Hm? Did you say something, Snack? I mean, Friend?"


And just to be fair, I do this with pictures of little baby humans too. Ya, probably the pictures of YOUR kids.