The Lipstick Temptress: On Writing

I need a pen name.


I've wanted one for a while, but it's now become a necessity because I have my newest calling in life: author. Of ROMANCE NOVELS. And I'm ashamed to say that my family would never want their last name connected to a creator of fictional sordid love affairs because they're prudes.


I currently have a job where I work with loads of books, and over half of the ones I assess are romances. Initially I thought, Huh - the cover art is so original and each novel is so distinct - what uniqueness! And then I happened to see one particular cover, and I was like, Is that ME?! Because one time in a similar situation this sneaky perv took my picture while I was . . . unawares.

There was this whole fallout because my whiner EX-boyfriend was all, I can't believe you cheated on me! And I was like, HELLO did you not see his rippling biceps?!

Anyway. That's when it hit me: I can write romance novels because my life practically is one. Don't they always say to write what you know? And what I know is half-clad Highlanders/Italian Dukes/Sweaty cowboys/Yearning high school football quarterbacks (not my proudest moment, I admit)/Risky Playboys a la Chuck Bass, in fiery moments of intense passion. Honestly, my love resume is about as torrid as it gets, which makes me more than qualified to pass my know-how off as fiction AND get paid for it.

Just in the last 6 hours I've written three. I think I will title them Her Swarthy Secret, A Midsummer Night's Scandal, and The Prince's Surprise Heir. They all will start with some tension, and then heaving bosoms and wet pirate shirts when they just can't fight it anymore, and then an almost-tragic misunderstanding, probably involving a love triangle with a long-lost and mysterious twin who of course is conniving and just playing her because he wants her enormous dowry, and finally - the surprise but wanted pregnancy, and then the wedding on the beach as the sun sinks below the calm ocean waves which gently lap the shores of their own private island.

There will, of course, be some juicy plot twists which will give each story a unique flavor of its own. Are you excited yet to read about my life? Better help me come up with a good pen name then, since I can't publish them as Taradise. It's too obvious. I need something more classy which will better suit my genre. Winner gets the first three books free of charge!

Stop callin' Stop callin' I don't wanna talk anymore

Quandary: my cell phone contract with Verizon is up next month, and I'm debating between jumping ship, staying and going month to month, or renewing. Rather, my family is debating this because we're all on a family plan.

Preferably I'd stay with Verizon, but their phones are crap. Also I don't want a data plan - which limits my options severely, I know. Suggestions? Good plans you know of? Is it possible to get more than 5 people on a family plan?

This would be the time I would usually begin my tirade about sleazy cell phone companies and the inability for competitors to offer viable alternatives because of restrictions in the free market - but I'll restrain myself.

Feel free to review service, phone reliability, pros/cons - whatever. I need guidance.

Oh, and i Phones are off the table.

Empire State of Mind

I know I might be going against traditional thought here, but really guys, I just DO NOT like New York. Sure the city is cool and last time I was there I got a knock-off purse in Chinatown like every other tourist, but really their options are limited. Everything is Chanel or Louis Vuitton or Gucci, and I'm like - Where are the black market Marc Jacobs bags and Louboutin pumps? Disappointing. I concede, Ms. Keys, that the Big Lights do inspire me. But then after a few "OMG that taxi almost took me out" moments, I feel inspired to become a hermit and never travel to big cities again.

Anyway. Not only did it snow a foot an hour whilst I was trapped there, but the New Yorkers are somewhat distasteful. Unless you are reading this and you are from New York, in the which case of course I'm not talking about you.

I don't care for the accent in that whole US region, all the kids I dealt with were entitled with a heavy serving of attitude, and they all swore like sailors. Even the little 6th graders. Which personally I found beneficial because I've been looking for new ways to use the F word, since my common usages were becoming trite and boring.

So while I get that, according to the poet known as Jay Z, the "The city never sleeps, better slip you an Ambien," I think I'll just stay home next time.