Happy Harry Potter #7 vol.1 Release Season ya'll. Hope you got your midnight viewing tickets ordered because those suckers were sold out an eternity ago. I for one prefer to view my films with some semblance of alertness and cognition – and a #2 from In-N-Out with a neopolitan shake -- so I'm gonna forgo on the 12:03 show in the Roxy Theater tonight Sam, but thanks.
A while back I read a blog about some galpals who found themselves constantly sorting all types of human, real and fiction alike, into the different Hogwarts Houses. And I was like – WE ARE SOUL MATES 4 LIFE. Because after my fifth time reading through the whole series, I found me doing the same thing. Like, I'd be sitting in church and look down the pew in front of me, head by head, and make a case why Lori McWhiteTeeth would be in Ravenclaw, or Daniel "Kung Fu" Smith would be in Gryffindor. What? Like you ALWAYS pay attention in church. Whatevs.
The point is – I realized something. I bet that most of us HP fans have often mused about how mind-blowingly awesome it would be if we went to Hogwarts, and how we would TOTALLY be in Gryffindor because they obvs give the smackdown to all other houses on a weekly basis and how Oliver Wood would feel like 15 bludgers just came crashing into him if we came strutting our stuff out onto the Quidditch pitch. And we would be besties with the Weasley twins AND Peeves and find ways to subtly light Draco Malfoy's robes on fire in the hallway.
But you know what ya'll? Most of us WOULDN'T be Gryffindor, okay? I might be doing a bit of adding upon with the JKR Cannon, so don't burn me at the stake or anything, but we only have so much to go on description-wise about the four houses from the books. And we just CAN'T all be heroes, you know? Like Will Rogers said, someone has to sit on the curb and clap as they march triumphantly by. And you and me pal? We're probably the curb-sitting clappers.
What I would really love to see happen is for people to just CHILL OUT about Gryffindor and accept that if they got Sorted, they'd probably be Hufflepuffs.
Gryffindors are indeed Brave At Heart, and Loyal and True, as well as optimistic and idealists. They just can't do half-hearted gestures. I mean, look at Fred and George. For most of us, a nice "Up yours! The DA FOREVER!!" and the finger to Umbridge as we stormed out of school for the last effing time would have been huge. But the twins have to go fly around on banned broomsticks, conjuring up nasty swamps in the hallways and setting off nuke-size fireworks. And then of course there's Harry. Our bad-a Voldemort-hunting Hero, who can also be a bit rash and probably would have found himself having nightly pillow duels with Neville's parents in St. Mungo's if it hadn't been for The Brains of the operation, Hermoine. So while the Gryffs dominate Quidditch and have chivalry oozing from their big hearts and out of their pores, they aren't really known for their calm and cool logical abilities.
For the House of Gryffindor, I place . . . My brother Sam. Who cried a lot as a child, but now is in Junior High ASB and is a protector of the weak and friendless. Love for the scarlet and gold!
Ravenclaws = nerdy pants, right? Well – yes. But that's not all! While it's true that Rowena Ravenclaw claimed that "Wit beyond measure is man's greatest treasure," she never said anything about humility or kindness. And if you have to slip a puking pastel into the oatmeal of your best friend who is also top in the class to claim that "greatest treasure" for yourself before you head off to midterms, well, so be it. Of course, most Raves are kind – as Luna Lovegood is the walking proof of this. And –er, creative. And Luna's crazy jewelry is also proof of this. So while you might want to look elsewhere if what you desire is an emotional hug, you're gonna want a Ravenclaw on speed dial should you "accidentally" break international wizarding law or need some last-minute help on schematics for a new flying car.
For the House of Ravenclaw, I place . . . The alpha male who shall remain nameless that I went out with that one time. Smart? check. Ambitious? check. Witty? check. Unsupportive of my love of karaoke? Double check.
Hufflepuffs were always kind of sad to me. I mean, what do they do? The best thing they produced was Cedric Diggory – and look what happened to him. The name isn't doing any wonder for them either. And they're ghost is The Fat Friar?! Come on. Is he at least funny? Don't think so, though he sounds like he should be, which makes me feel cheated somehow.
I've come to realize though that Huffs may be the best kept secret of Hogwarts. They're just so "Whatever" with a side of "Let's eat some ice cream and have some laughs." Huffies are known for being Just, True, Loyal and Hard-working. Which to me translates into the kids in class who get As because of sheer will power, not smarts. They're like the Blues from The Color Code – totally COMMITTED. To work, to ideals and most importantly: relationships. Maybe to the point of un.health.y. Still, you'll want one of these in your back pocket should you ever find yourself in a bar fight – because Huffs have got yo back.
For the House of Hufflepuff, I place . . . my old roomie from the days of yore, Natalie! Because she was totally Blue, and super loyal and fun. And hot. Come to think of it, that might another thing them Huffies have going for 'em . . .
I've often felt over the years that Slytherin suffers from a bad rap that isn't always deserved. I think it's one of those cases where the crazies who are screaming for pure blood and HP's head on a stick that get all the attention. And sure, Draco And Co. are pretty obnoxious. But the rest of the Slytherins were just, you know, hanging out plotting their next move in their dank, bleak common room. Because the Slyths are nothing if not great leaders; cunning, confident and ambitious to the max. Which is why for the House of Slytherin, I place . . .
Myself.
Yep. While I have no interest in slaughtering those not of my race or religion, I've never claimed to be the kind to Follow My Heart. My loyalty remains with myself and what/whomever will get me favors and secrets and candy. At first I was like, Well maybe I'm Ravenclaw. But Raves aren't usually grappling for power, and I WANT POWER. Where Gryffs and Huffs are concerned, it's all "I'll be a martyr!" and "I'll never break your heart!" But with us Slyths, its our AIM to break some hearts and burn some bridges – all with style and flourish, of course.
So. What think ye of my Sorting Hat abilities? And what house would YOU belong in?
