Tis a dull, dull world

Sometimes (usually when I run out of Diet Coke and mascara and the air conditioning in my car just STOPS WORKING) the world seems quite tiresome. And since boredom reluctantly loves company, I'll give you a recount of my day in the most droll way possible.


THIS MORNING . . .
I was lying on my bed in my bedroom. The alarm clock rang. I got off my bed and stood up.


15 MINUTES LATER . . .
I poured myself some cereal. I then added some milk. I used a spoon to put the cereal in my mouth.


JOB #1 . . .
I was sitting on a chair facing a wall. After having looked at the wall for some time, I turned my gaze and looked elsewhere.


10 MINUTES LATER . . .
I dropped a pen on the floor. I reached down and picked up said pen. I considered stabbing it into my eye. I decided against it, and turned to look at another wall.


WHILE DRIVING . . .
I sat in my car doing what one does when sitting in the driver seat of one's car. I thought about putting on some music. I thought for a while. I looked at my iPod. I decided not to play any music. I continued to drive.


JOB #2 . . .
I had several pieces of paper on my desk. I moved one to the basket on my other desk. Having done so I looked at the other papers for a while.


15 MINUTES LATER . . .
My head hurt. I took some advil from my drawer and swallowed them with water. My head began to feel better soon thereafter. I resumed my usual activities.



I'm feeling rather dreary and sluggish after having put all this effort into writing.

Here - you can borrow my noose

There are few things in life more boring than listening to someone drone on and on about their health problems.

Wait. I just remembered something more boring. Okay real quick story. Once I went to a bookstore to look through magazines with a friend of mine, and there was this oldish one-legged man sitting at a table next to us. He constantly looked over at what we were reading and would say things like, "I was married to a woman who looked like that actress right there. Except my wife was WAY hotter. Seriously, she was this gorgeous Spanish supermodel. Penelope Cruz looks like a dog compared to her." And my friend would pretend he didn't exist so I felt the need to try to be kind of polite and I would "Hmmm" and "Oh" and nod because - well, he had one leg. Anyway. It got ridiculous. Soon he was talking about his rocket scientist son who was better-looking than Brad Pitt circa A River Runs Through It. THAT was probably the most boring storytelling I've ever been guilted into.

So, meds. People these days just run around telling you about what medications they're on or how many vials of blood the doctor just took or about their erratic sleep patterns which is "killing" them because they're just sooo tired. My mom would probably say that with some people, this obnoxious word vomit is a cry for help and I should smile and nod and sympathize. Huh.

Obviously I'm not my mom. Because when a sob-fest broke out last night amongst a few girls, I was calmly backing away to my car in an attempt to flee the scene of pretentious pain. I failed. One turned to me for my two cents, which was probably unwise.

Her: Life is just really demanding, you know?

Me: (Nod with blank look on my face).

Her: I mean I've started taking some medications recently but I think it made me gain all this weight or maybe that's from not working out and eating more chocolate because I've just been so stressed that I crave those Snickers ice cream bars so I eat like 3 of those while I have Gilmore Girls marathons but then I stay up late and I'm all tired at work and my co-worker is like"Here have some of my Adderral" and I was like "I don't believe in using that stuff" but maybe I'll ask my doctor about that too because I'm so super tired all the time and so super stressed!

Me: Well . . . maybe you should just kill yourself.

Her: (Pause. Blink. Blank look).

Me: I mean, it would pretty much solve all your problems.

Her: (Pause. Blink. Blank look).


And VOILA! I have just found the perfect way to shut people up. I just love discovering new methods of avoiding horribly mind-numbing situations.

Gearing Up for the Red, White and Blue

'Tis a well known fact that the 4th of July is my all time favorite holiday. Not only do I love celebrating Independence and the 2nd Amendment, but there's almost a sure chance that I'll get to see fireworks and eat my body weight in homemade ice cream. And if I'm REALLY lucky I just might get to see a man in Yankee Civil War garb harboring a muzzle-loader rifle.

Nothing will ever top celebrating in Coronado with The Cousins, watching the awesomely non-pc parade where the marines reenact capturing the Taliban, but I'm determined to do something special regardless of my lack of a powdered wig, kegs of ale or a charming sailor. I'll be at church during the day so I think recreating The Boston Tea Party is out of the question because of time constraints. That was Plan A, so I'm having trouble coming up with a Plan B. Obviously I'll be listening to "Party in the USA" by our very own M. Cyrus on repeat, and for sure I'll watch some snippets of John Adams while I drink some Diet Coca Cola and eat some SPAM. Maybe I'll also have a Bake/Yard Sale (BaYard? YaBake? Yard-Bake? Does that sound like I plan on burning my front lawn? Or better yet THE NEIGHBORS lawn? Because that's not a bad idea) to tip my hat to capitalism, if you will.

I am still accepting alternative ideas, should The Spirit of Liberty enlighten your minds with brilliant possibilities.

Bring the Heat

Well folks, it's that time again: Summer is officially here. The birds are singing, the gas prices soaring, and the sun is scorching our skin off and giving us cancer. Looks like it's time for Summer Goals!


I've been putting a lot of thought into what I want to achieve. What should I be aiming for? What kind of person do I want to be? What will make me lots of money and give me lots of power? And I've decided to work on two things that I think might get me on The Path To Responsibility, so to speak.



1. Become a somewhat decent Scrabble player. I admit it - I've never excelled at card and board games, which is how I came to be a great cheater. But Scrabble I can't really cheat at, and when I try I usually get called out and therefore lose which kind of defeats the purpose of cheating since I'm only in it to destroy my competition. It still remains a mystery as to why I struggle with Scrabble, since I have such stunning vocabulary and I regularly create anagrams in my mind while people drone on to me about boring things.




2. Embark on at least one Quest per season. That's right - a Quest. Any kind will do, though I'm thinking something akin to Frodo and The Ring sounds reasonable. Up first: locating a great rope swing. Obviously over water. And preferably within an hour of my home. I haven't had a good swing and/or plunging-into-unknown-depths in years. It's time, you know?



I'm aware that in the eyes of some my Summer Goals aren't going to "Help my future" or "Get me out of my parents' house", though they sounds curiously able to increase my Nerd Score. I, however, have confidence that Scrabble and rope swings will not only destroy my June Slump, it will transcend it.

The Cute & Cuddly

I have this co-worker, bless her heart, who just loves to show me picture books of the cute and furry creatures of God's kingdom. Either she's a bit dense or I do a good job of feigning interest, because I am constantly being bombarded by "Oh! Isn't this just the cutest thing?!?" while she waves pictures of bunnies or puppies in my face. And I am the last person who would coo over a smelly germ infested anything, even if it is fluffy and waddles.

So while she prattles on about how adorable some animal is and I dumbly nod my head in response, I'm ACTUALLY musing about what the animals are probably thinking at the moment.

"You know friend, I've been following you around this box for hours but everything still looks the same. At least, I think it was you. Or maybe it was that other podgy yellow ball of fluff, or that other . . ."


"So my mom said I can go practice nipping at the mailman tomorrow with you - hey Rufus are you listening to me?"
"Ya Milo. It's just that this !@#$% onesie is cutting off my circulation and I'm being slowly asphyxiated to death."
"Hang in there Rufus. Just a few more minutes and then we get to stuff our snouts with a big bowl of Iams."
"I hope one day we can turn the tables and do this to THEIR children and post the pictures all over the internet for everyone to gawk at."



"And then I was like, 'Take this you drooling flea bag! What?! You think because you're a Doberman Pincher you can take THIS on?!'"
"Oh, Bravo Fluffy! Bravo!"



Rodent: "Guys isn't this GREAT? All of us so adorable and friendly with each other?! Although . . . um . . . Kitty, I have to say that it makes me a TAD nervous that you keep staring at me while simultaneously invading my personal space. And is that . . . drool?"
Kitty: "Hm? Did you say something, Snack? I mean, Friend?"


And just to be fair, I do this with pictures of little baby humans too. Ya, probably the pictures of YOUR kids.

From Sticks to the Ritz: A Travel Adventure

I decided to start my summer off right by taking myself on a vacation to Maui. Now before you roll your eyes and mutter that this will just be one of those My Vacation Was Super Awesome And Your Life Sucks kinds of posts, which is probable, let me say that I was unsure of how this trip would go.

Here's why:
Heelllooo Jack! This is Matthew Fox, who plays Dr. Jack Shepard on the brilliant and tragically over show, LOST. And I saw him in LAX as I was about to board my plane. AND we locked eyes for a sweet moment. I successfully repressed my urge to run and plant a whopper of a kiss on him, or to yell out something slightly snide like Did you find your destiny yet Doc?! But then I realized that he just might be a terribly unlucky omen, because for those of you who don't watch the show, his plane crashes on a mysterious island on the way to LAX.

And I was flying out of LAX to an island.

Kinda freaky, right? The whole horrible flight over I was thinking of what I would do if our plane went down. This was good planning on my part, because even though I obviously made it there in one piece, I actually ended up living in the rain forest. FOR 5 DAYS. So all those boy scout survival skills, extra water bottles and sanitary wipes came in handy. A little TOO handy.

I stayed with some friends in Hana. In a hut. In the Rain Forest of Greedy Mosquitoes. With an outside shower. But WITHOUT a bathroom. And let me tell you right now: Tara + popping squats = messy wet disasters. I know. GROSS. I found myself saying prayers of thanks anytime we went to town and there was a public restroom. Me giving thanks for porta-potties is on my list of Things I Never Thought I'd Be Thankful For, right up there with sprained ankles and sun stroke.

I'd recount more about the misadventures in Hana, but do you really care? Of course not. We'll leave Hana on the high-note of toilets and move to the final phase: We ended the stay in Wailea, thank goodness. At The Grand Wailea, which is a Waldorf Astoria hotel. I was about to flop down in the massive outdoor lobby and weep from relief and happiness, but they frown on that kind of thing there.

I've never been so glad to see clean towels, running water and rich retired folks in my life.

I came away from this holiday with a renewed sense of my high maintenance lifestyle and love of all things money can buy. Go ahead and judge away, but I'd like to see how you hold up when on your left leg ALONE you have 18 mosquito bites.

So I guess I'm not great at roughing it. But I AM great at loafing and staying at expensive places on someone else's dime. We all have our talents, I guess.

In which I make two major life decsions.

First.

I'm going to invest in a nice phone for the first time in my life. The few that I've had always range somewhere between Secondary Character On Some Teen Show Once Had One In Part Of An Episode and Owned Only By The Homeless.

The lucky new phone will be none other than the Droid Incredible for Verizon. Honestly, HTC is probably the best thing to ever happen to Verizon. So now I'll get to experience what it's like being able to access my email even when I don't have my computer, only a few hundred years behind everyone else. I'm slowly starting to catch up to the rest of America so WATCH OUT.

Two.

I think I'm going to start another blog where I review books. And if you just snorted some milk out of your nose, your eyes did not deceive you. I CAN read. I learned a year or two ago and just kind of ran with it. And since no one reads the same things at the same time as I do, or maybe it's because I "lack friends", and I always have things I want to say about something I read, particularly if I dislike it, I'm just gonna blog it.

Plus, I don't have cable. Or an imagination. Which is why I read things other people have thought of. That's what I do when I'm not updating this blog. Which is pretty much always.

Anyway. Details to follow shortly. Which is such a wonderfully ambiguous term.